30. The Vine in Niles

The odds of stumbling across The Vine in Niles will be not unlike opening up a briefcase and finding this. Surprised? Yes! Disappointed? No way! This is how I felt about The Vine, a quaint, newly- opened restaurant in the Fremont, CA suburb called Niles.

I'll begin by admitting a couple things: 1) I've been moving apartments and dealing with holiday obligations and thus have no been updating this site very much, to which I apologize. And 2) My sister opened this restaurant herself so I purposefully drove the 400+ miles north just to go to it. Familial connections aside, I'll do my best to not give it undue credit.

THIS IS THE BEST RESTAURANT IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!

Seriously, it's really good. I'm very proud of my sister's hard work in this venture, and it shows with the final product. Yelp reviewers all love it, and apparently they pulled a VERY substantial profit in their first month of business - literally unheard of in the food biz.

Located in Fremont, CA in the small suburb of downtown Niles, The Vine serves contemporary cuisine prepared by executive chef Annie Wood, a lifelong friend and co-owner with my sister. While Annie is charged with all things edible, my sister handles all finances, vendors, front-end operations, and literally built most of the furnishings by hand.

Before I discuss the food, I believe the "town" of Niles deserves some attention. Niles is one of those communities that, to an outside viewer, looks like everyone has the same two parents. I don't mean this in the retarded, incest-driven hillbilly sort of way. I mean that everyone dresses the same, makes roughly the same amount of money, and every citizen can communally discuss last night's episode of WWE SmackDown!! on TBS.

The residents of Niles decided they needed a downtown strip, you know, a place to put all their old, unused furniture and clutter. 10 years later this unused furniture morphed into 17 antique shops, 12 glass-art studios, and 6 silent movie theaters. A quaint downtown indeed. They even added a magical train of lights which pulls in every hour or so to the delight of the ignorant rednecks who've never seen multiple light bulbs amassed in a single location before. True magic!!

"Dale, something aint quite right 'bout that train."

Meanwhile, the Niles residents plum-forgot about actually building any restaurants or cafe's on their downtown strip. This is why my sister and Annie decided to build a place where townsfolk could bring a date, have a drink, and discuss the unholy practice of using contraceptives.

Now, onto The Vine itself. As previously mentioned, the ambiance is delightful. My sister (a sheet-metal worker by trade) designed and built the floors and tables from scratch. Furnished with chic ornaments and tasteful accents, The Vine reeks of class and is a great place to take a date or to have casual drinks with friends. Even the bathrooms are tastefully done. You could seriously eat to the point of explosive shits and screams and still comfortably relax on the toilet without feeling the pressure to vacate ASAP. Oh yes, and they also have a covered back patio for weekend drinking.

The food is amazing in terms of taste and also price. A meal for four with 4 appetizers, 1 salad, 6 glasses of wine, 4 cocktails, 4 main courses, and a shared dessert all came to a meager $127!! And everything we got was fantastic! I've put a link to the Dinner Menu so you can get a good idea of the type of food. Also, there's a drinking friendly Brunch Menu for weekend warriors/drunken housewives.

I got the the point where I could literally feel my stomach pushing into my other vital organs. My breathing became slow, short, and deliberate as my fully expanded lungs would only compress my bloated belly further. Even so, the food was so good that I would still periodically make lame attempts to digest a fry. The food is unbiasedly good, I promise.

The service was top notch and even when the restaurant became packed, (as it does every evening, apparently) we still received ample attention. Even the people waiting to eat were directed to sit on a massive comfy couch and were served drinks while they waited.

This place is great and worth the short drive if you're ever in the San Francisco Bay Area. Every person I watched exit had a smile on their face and a contented look of someone who was too full to do anything like want sex or free money. Utter bliss personified in each customer. Well done, sis!!

 

Name: The Vine in Niles
Genre: Contemporary Cuisine
Value: Fantastic Prices for Quality Food.
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: An empty stomach and an exaggerated interest in glass art.
Rating: 6 / 5

29. Chipotle (in Brentwood)

(This review isn't for Chipotle as a restaurant, as I'm sure they offer the same food and same basic decor in every Chipotle nationwide. This write-up is for the Chipotle located on San Vicente boulevard in the Los Angeles community of Brentwood.)

Ok, so it's the middle of the day on a Monday. I really want to stress this. IT WAS 1:12PM ON A MONDAY. There was no national holiday, no free giveaways, just a regular Monday. I walk into Chipotle and immediately I smash into the back of a guy waiting in line. The line was around the entire F'ing place!! This sucks!! Thankfully Chipotle does fast work so I manned up and took my place. I decided it was a dandy time to people watch. Here's what I noticed:

1) Everyone was on their phone/PDA.
I don't know about you, but people don't call or text me THAT much, and I consider myself pretty dang cool. But the people in Chipotle were staring at these things like they had porn on the screen. We've all done that thing in a bar where you pretend to get texts so you look like you're busy, but this is a freaking Chipotle people, no one is going to judge you if you're just standing in the line without looking busy.  People couldn't detach themselves from their phones long enough to even put in orders. Seriously a guy got so bored between the steps of choosing rice/beans and then his selection of meat, that he got back on his phone and started staring and texting. The lady had to yell "Sir...SIR!!" like 4 times before he goofishly looked up to reply "Oh...uh...Chicken." and went back to his phone (no apology given, either.)

2) Everyone was wearing Tom's.
I'll be fair, not everyone. But 12 people in one place. That's a whole lotta Tom for one building. Tom's shoes basically look like a house-slipper knitted by a Mongolian sheepherder. The gimmick with Tom's shoes is that for every pair purchased, a pair of shoes is given to some poor kid somewhere without shoes. Not a bad deal, I suppose. But you know what's an even better charity then that? Actually donating time and money. But the yuppies in Brentwood don't do that because they don't get a pair of trendy-ass Tom's shoes with that deal. Here's an idea, asshole. How about buying a pair of basketball shoes and just giving it to a kid in need. That way the kid has something he can actually run around in and not look like he's some douchebag in a Brentwood Chipotle. Everyone wins.

3) Everyone bought burrito bowls.
For the people who aren't familiar with these things (normal people), its a burrito. But instead of the edible holder called a tortilla keeping your burrito together, the contents are dumped into a bowl, covered with an aluminum lid, and put into a plastic bag with a plastic fork and knife. Way to go, dipshit, 10,000 Tom's shoes aren't going to replace the oodles of garbage you've just created because you think that by removing a tortilla  you're going to get skinny. Hey Jillian Michaels, you do realize that just because you've cut 18g of carbs  doesn't mean you're carnitas bowl with sour cream and a handful of cheese is going to make you fit into that dress. It's called exercise, and it's not an app for your iPhone.

4) Yup...Yuppies!
Every single person in there was a Yuppie. Yuppies of today aren't your Growing Pains' Alex Keaton types of the 80's. They take on many varieties but can all easily be classified under the same umbrella. Here are the types I saw:

A) The I-Mean-Business! Yuppie:

 These guys always seem to be named "Chaz", "Chet", or "Ryan", and are forever trying to attain the unattainable look of "I dress up for work, but I secretly keep it real on the weekends." They make lame attempts at coolness by wearing ironic sunglasses, loosening their ties, putting a surf sticker on their laptop bag or producting their hair into some sort of faux-hawk. Their life solely follows the almighty dollar and they always want people to think, "Look at that guy on his phone, he must be closing a big-time deal." The irony is that most of these guys make less than we do and don't actually own a surfboard.



B) The Stressed-out Lady Yuppie:

These Yuppies are probably the most hilarious. Despite the fact that their parents pay for the majority of their Brentwood rent and that because they don't hold a steady job they can spend all day in yoga pants traipsing around San Vicente, they act like they have the hardest life on the planet. Everything they do is an incredible inconvenience for them. They will talk to one another about the 3 errands they have for the day like it's equal to a full day of manual labor on the railroads. Also, they are incredibly anal about everything, from their Chipotle order, to their reusable coffee cup they always carry, down to their yoga mat which they don't use because they just wear the pants because they're comfy. Watch their eyes, they are always jittery, its creepy. The world and it's populace are just accessories in their little Sex and the City reenactment they like to call their lives.





C) The Gay Black Yuppie:

 I would imagine in the deep-south of Kentucky, it must be hard to be a black male, let alone a gay black male. But this is Brentwood, and he's not fooling anyone. The Gay Black Yuppie always has 2 or 3 Stressed-Out Lady Yuppies in tow because they both like to talk to each other about how miserable their lives are, despite the fact that they're all in $400 outfits having a social gathering in the middle of a weekday. They spend the majority of their day on social networking sites or in the absence of that, rehashing their past exploits on social networking sites. The Gay Black Yuppie always has a disgusted look on his face and thinks his outfit and life are 1 billion times better than yours. Enjoy your pink mohawk, jackass. I'm going to spend my savings on my mortgage, not a $600 faux Chinese army jacket. He also doesn't have any black friends.




The Metrosexual Yuppie:

The Yuppies are the most anal of the bunch. Meaning, if you get caught behind a Metrosexual Yuppie in line at a Chipotle, give up and go get pizza because you'll be in line all day. These guys will literally make the poor kid behind the counter remake an entire burrito if he see's one bean fall into his burrito, with no regard for the 200 people behind him. The Metrosexual Yuppie will typically be in designer sunglasses, some sort of gay-looking bowling shoe, a v-neck shirt, sporting some awkwardly placed large tattoos, and be holding a PDA and a set of car keys in his hands at all times. To these guys image means everything. If you ever go into a Chipotle and see one of these guys order something that's NOT a burrito bowl with chicken, no beans or rice, no cheese and no sour cream, then watch out, because you're either on Punk'd or the Twilight Zone.

5) Everyone stares you down.
Talk about an insecure bunch. Everyone in their stares at you like you walked in there wearing a Nazi SS outfit. But they do that to everyone, not just you. It's indicative that despite their privileged lifestyles, they still having crippling insecurities about themselves and their outward appearance. Chill out, everyone! It's just Chipotle! Just let me eat my burrito without the leering eyes of 20 people all over me.

There was one guy in line, however, who was in a T-shirt, cargo shorts, and flip flops. He order a steak burrito straight up, paid, and left. He seemed pretty cool.

Name: Chipotle (in Brentwood)
Genre: Yuppie frequented Mexican flavored excessive waste bowl dispensary
Value: Reasonable for a Burrito, expensive for the Tom's you must purchase to enter
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: Tom's shoes and a smartphone
Rating: 2 / 5

28. The Chill Out Cafe

I was supposed to write about this place probably a good 6 months ago. But due to a bitter, long-fought battle with laziness, it took me this long to finally churn this out.

The Chill Out cafe is a rustic little joint located in the eastside surf community of Pleasure Point in Santa Cruz. Already known for their laid back demeanor, residents of pleasure point are rarely in shoes and wreak of stale ocean water. The Chill Out cafe is not unlike the cafe version of a Pleasure Point local - Relaxed, friendly, and quick to strike up a conversation.


I was making a brief stop in Santa Cruz and decided to meander in for one of their amazing breakfast burritos. I should stop here for a moment to talk about the breakfast burritos. Simply put - these things are more delicious than a bacon wrapped ice cream sundae. They truly are amazing. The burritos are cooked with three different customers in mind:

A) The hungover post-college student who, after a long night of weekday drinking, desperately needs any meal thats burrito sized, cheap, and greasy.

B) The surfer who's regular diet consists of breakfast burritos for breakfast, burritos for lunch, and most likely a burrito for dinner.

C)  Someone who's a solid mix of both A & B.

Basically, you walk into the place and odds are you'll either be greeted with a friendly "Good morning!" or an inquiry about the current surf conditions - depending on how wet your hair is. You'll usually engage in about 3-5 minutes of idle chit-chat before the girl/guy at the counter finally realizes that you've come in to the Chill Out for food. They offer about 35 different types of breakfast burritos here, all of which are fantastic (I've only had about 7 different ones, but I've heard 100 different critiques on pretty much every different one on the menu, all positive.)

I ordered the small.

One of the main features of the Chill Out cafe's Breakfast Burrito is the shredded potatoes. The cook leaves a pile of shredded potatoes on the griddle all day, slowly cooking them to the point where all that's left is crunchy, greasy strips. Delicious! Also what's great about this place is that you can order a small or large sized burrito. But I don't think the cook knows the difference, it's merely a pricing option for those who can't afford the large. Because both burritos are exactly the same size... massive!! Awesome!



Top your burrito off with all-you-can-eat pico de gallo and park yourself at one of the indoor stools to finish of your conversation with the cashier or head to the front or back, both of which have benches for ample chilling and people watching. Oh yeah, it's bottomless coffee too.


This place is great because its well-priced, has amazingly tasty and filling food, and has a kick-back atmosphere that most places can only try to fake. Everyone here, from the cashier to the cook to the patrons, all are very "chill" and immediately when you step in you forget your worries and just relax. Oh yeah, and this isn't one of those "Lets let every hippy yahoo play an open-mic and sip their divine boiled barley root while they collect signatures for a city ordinance to create a harmony circle downtown" kind of places. This is a place for people who like meat, the beach, and chilling. It's a surfer paradise, perfectly located with the perfect ambiance. Well worth a stop if you find yourself in Santa Cruz.

Very Chill.

Name: The Chill Out Cafe
Genre: Cafe specializing in Breakfast Burritos
Value: Great especially when you order the small burrito.
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: A long night of binge drinking, followed by a morning of heavy pot smoking, and a pair of flip flops.
Rating 5 / 5

27. Jello 1-2-3

If you're anything like me at all you'd absolutely know what this stuff is. This is Jello 1-2-3, quite possibly the single greatest invention of the modern era and maybe of all time.

Here's how it works:
1) Pour ONE packet into a bowl ( Note: Only one kind of powder inside!)
2) Add water
3) Put in fridge
4) Practically piss yourself in amazement as the Jello now has THREE Jellos!  Alchemy at it's finest!

This is the kind of forward thinking stuff that made America thrive in the 80's. Bring back Jello 1-2-3 and kiss America's economic problems goodbye. You heard it here first.

Keep trying, Shake-A-Pudd'n.

Name: Jello 1-2-3
Genre: Magical Gelatin Dessert.
Value: More expensive than regular Jello, but the extra layers provide 3x the return.
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: Extra pair of pants for when you crap yourself in amazement.
Rating: 5 / 5

26. Chapman Plaza

If you find yourself feverishly lost in Koreatown, Los Angeles during the day, you'll think you've somehow been transported to the minimum security sector of hell. The place is dirty, ridden with traffic, terrible drivers, and a gaggle of signs advertising who-knows-what by some big-tittied cartoon character.


Patience is a virtue, friends. Trust me, give yourself until about 8pm and you'll truly see how and why Koreatown comes alive when night falls. Watch as the neon signs hum with life, bums are transformed into well dressed Korean socialites, and streets lined with broken, garbage infested 1984 Toyota corollas are somehow swapped for shiny new Mercedes and Bentley's.

K-town at night reminds me of what Hollywood must have been like back in the 50's. Amazing bars weren't posturing with big lines, and people who mingled together actually "networked" and made things happen. You smoke cigarettes? Well fuck, if you're a paying customer, smoke all you like in any restaurant in K-town, where the customer reigns supreme.

K-town by day.

K-town by night.

Chapman plaza is probably the easiest place to go get a slice of K-town life. As it's the home to about 7 bars, 3 lounges, 5 Karaoke clubs, and a hell of a lot of young Koreans acting the fool. It's also ground-zero and all directions are in relation to Chapman Plaza. The place is lit up like a Roman Candle inside and everything is spectacularly clean and presentable. Last night we ate at Gaam, a Korean bar/lounge for my friends birthday. The inside is frankly stunning, and rivals any high-end lounge in Hollywood. The major difference though is the price. Two large bottles of Grey Goose, unlimited chasers, 5 entrees, Soju, and 4 large Sakes, all served with attentive service ran a group of 10 about $40 each...amazing value. Also, not packed.

The key to enjoying Chapman plaza and frankly all places in K-town is to roll deep, ie bring a lot of people. The more people you bring, the better value it will end up being. The other trick though, is to bring a couple Koreans with you. If you come to Chapman plaza sans Koreans, you'll be a lost and bewildered kitten as most places will gladly seat you, but deciphering a menu and being able to talk with most waiters will be a stressful exercise in humility. Also, you wont be able to read the signs of the places you're going into anyway.

Also, the locals knows the awesome deals. Here are some things I've found out in K-town only because Koreans showed me-

1. A bar that lets you buy bottles of booze for roughly $80, and will write your name on the bottle and hold it for you for a month. Meaning its ready for you on your return visits.

2. A deserted 3rd story mall storefront that, upon gaining secret entry into the mall and even more secret entry into the club, serves a 24-hour full bar and nightclub.

3. A bamboo-lined 24-hour Korean restaurant with cigarette smoke so prevalent that you feel like you're an extra in Ladder-49. Also, booze served 24 hours.

4. A social scene so tightly knit that if rolling with the right crowd, no bartender will charge them for a drink, ever.

5. A club that only allows entry with special permission from the waiter, of all people. and when inside, you're free to summon any and all girls from the dancefloor and your beckon call to mingle. (good luck if you only speak English).

That's just a tease of the K-town underbelly. The place is really fun.If I had to make any real complaints about the nightlife, is that you pretty much have to pay for parking anywhere you go if you plan on driving around. But it gets better, chums. If you opt out of driving, you can call whats called a "K-town Kab" that is a gypsy tazi that will take you anywhere in K-town for $5 a trip. Amazing! Need their number, you can find it on any of the FREE lighters liberally given away at all K-town bars...stock up! PS: Odds are if its a phone number and Korean written on your free lighter, its a K-town Kab. (Hopefully they speak English)

I suppose I should give quick consideration to the food in Chapman plaza and K-town. It's good, but if you have a western palette, a lot of the stuff is weird and frankly, gross. You need to have a good Korean interpreter with you to sample some of the finer foods, lest you end up with Hot Dog soup (real thing). But with that said, if you're sick of the Hollywood scene and want to meet real, fun people in a fun setting then check out Chapman plaza. Bring cigarettes.

PS: Valet is $2 and worth it.

Name: Chapman Plaza
Genre: Hub of Koreatown; bars, lounges, clubs, restaurants, etc.
Value: Expensive, sliding scale the more people you bring/Koreans you know.
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: Cigarettes and Korean Parents.
Rating: 4 / 5

25. Big Ass Fruity Drinks

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24. McDonalds

 
Ok, I'm sure you've all heard of the holy fast food gateway lined with the double golden arches. So I'll spare you the details of giving you the McDonald's  M. O.

It was 3:47am, I was driving home from a long night of Sunset Strip clubbing (something I don't often do) and I was incredibly stoned (something I DO often do.) and I thought to myself "I hate fast food and I especially hate McDonald's. It's really a shame that their constant proliferation in low income communities has caused such morbid...."

At this point in my thoughts I found myself puling into the drive-thru. Shit, they got me. Also...why do they insist on spelling it "Drive-Thru?" Does McDonald's really think that little of the literacy of it's clientele. Granted, the reading level of most customers is terrible, the least Ronald McDonald could do is spell it's copy correctly so at least everyone would walk around spelling "through" correctly.

Anyway, I had a moratorium on Mickey D's for about 4 years now, and for the life of me I probably couldn't tell you why I found myself perusing the menu at what was now 3:49am (probably the drugs) but I commited myself to getting something. I was perusing the menu when the crackly half-english voice came through the intercom.

"*chk* Weerrrcome chhhhsssssss McDonalds caahaannnn *chk* please?" 

The nonsensical jabber made no actual sense but I assume he was asking what I wanted to order.

"Yeah," I replied, "Can I get a..."

"*chk* Hoooowwwd own *chk* One secccc *chk*" The robot stated.

It was nearly 4am and apparently there was pressing business that couldn't wait in the empty McDonald's than to be bothered with a paying customer. So I politely waited.


*chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk*...... it sounded like the guy was hitting the button like 5000 times. What the hell was going on in there? The pot started getting the better of me and I began to think that maybe I was hearing things. I tried ordering again.

"Hi, I'll have a..."

"*chk* HOLD ON SARRRR!!! *chk*"

"*chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk* *chk*" the box kept on clicking.

Finally after 7 long minutes of sitting there listening to the McDonalds employee type Morse code, he finally took my order - a "Southern-style" chicken sandwich meal and two McChicken sandwiches as a supplement (I was hungry.)

Preach it, Grandma.

I pulled my car around to the pickup window and proceeded to wait...and wait....and wait....and...holy crap, waiting more. What the hell are they doing in there?

I kept waiting, I think about 5 songs played before I got my food...it took 15 minutes at the window before my food came out. Granted its 4am so I expect there to be a bit of delay with my fast food, but it was ridiculous.

The Fries - The fries were right out of the deep fryer so they had that super crispy texture to them. They were also scalding, also courtesy of the deep-fryer. While I will admit I enjoyed the crispy texture, they tasted like deep fried air. People (idiots) claim to love McDonald's fries. for the life of me, I can't understand why. Those people must also Ke$ha, Jasper Johns paintings, and the song "Who let the dogs out?". If poor-quality had a physical manifestation, it would be the McDonald's french fry.

The Diet Coke - Don't worry, the irony is not lost on me that I ordered a "diet" coke with my deep fried chicken sandwiches. I only took one sip and it tasted like the syrup was sitting around for a while. It was 4am so I'll give this a pass.

The Southern Fried Chicken Sandwich - This was basically a chicken patty with butter and pickles. I'd never had it before but it appeared to basically be a half-step up from a regular chicken sandwich. I love how the deifnition of "Southern-style" means no vegetables. The hilarity was half the reason I bought it. Verdict: far too tendony and the buttery flavor didn't mix with the chicken right.

The McChicken Sandwiches - These were probably the best thing I bought. I held the mayo because for some reason I've never liked it. But the bun was fluffy, the lettuce was not too abundant and the patty was slightly crispy and had a decent taste to it. I don't want to pretend like it wasn't shithouse quality, but of all he things I got this was the only thing that satisfied my marijuana induced hunger.

Above all it was and always will be a big waste of time going to McDonalds.... especially at 4am. I ended up getting crappy food and waiting forever for it. I should have just went to bed. Though eating did give me something do to while I drove around Koreatown for the next 40 minutes looking for parking.

Name: McDonalds
Genre: Fast food burger joint run by a clown, bird, convict, string-monsters, and a giant purple blob.
Value: Better off saving the $5.
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal:  A heavy stock investment in McDonalds Industries.
Rating: 1 / 5