12. Costco Food Court

Costco has lower to middle-class America figured out. Rich families have one, maybe two children throughout the course of their lifetime. Poorer families have one to two hundred children throughout the course of twelve months. There are many societal/religious/educational/etc reasons for this which one can argue, but the point I'm getting at here is if you're going to feed 17,000 kids, your best best is to shop at Costco. I get it.

Then there's me on the other hand. Shopping for one. Costco used to be a place where business owners of all types came to mingle and spend their Sundays, not unlike a golf course. But ever since Costco introduced the "Gold Star" Membership program, the shit (not any type of shit, I mean an army of Gorillas fed crateloads of Burritos and Mountain Dew then all using the bathroom in unison) really hit the fan (not any type of fan, probably the type that skydivers float above when theyre practicing their skydiving).

A Costco membership card for non-business owners.

A Gold Star is something you give a child to make them feel special in school when they're clearly not. That's not unlike the Gold Star membership at Costco. These people don't own a business, clearly have mucked up their lives by having seventeen too many children, and now want a piece of the Costco pie. Now Costco is line after miserable line of parents with their fat, fat children merrily dancing around a wheeled palette of bagel bites and gummi bears, too excited to wait until theyre home to start wolfing. All this I can understand, kind of, what I don't get is after buying all this food, you immediately go straight to the Costco food court to buy MORE food.

When it comes to the quality and price of the food here, there's really no argument that it's great. The Hebrew National Kosher hot dogs and Polish Sausages have even gotten the seal-of-approval from the most Jewish, crabby, loudest person on the planet - My Grandfather. A $1.50 for a dog and a drink...no question that it's an absolute steal. The pizza is also great, by the pie or the slice. I've never had their Chicken Bake or newly introduced Steak Bake but I'm sure they're great, too. And the frozen yogurt is an absolute treat.

I'll also say this, the only reason I found myself in line at a Costco Food court is I was stoned and driving by and got fond memories of my Grandfather announcing he was taking all the grandkids to get the "Greatest Hot Dogs in the World!!" I decided to act on my nostalgia and pulled into the insanely crowded parking lot. I guess the only real complaint is how big the lines at the Food Court get. It's a massive, massive queue of people who really shouldn't be eating pizza to begin with (because they're fat). And each person in line is actually a representative of their entire fat family waiting in the wings to all get food. So each person is ordering "Uhhhh....7 hot dogs, 3 slices of cheese pizza, 4 slices of pepperoni *yells to big group of people sitting at two tables* Hey you want chocolate or swirl?!? And 5 swirl sundaes please. Hmmm....better make it 6. Also, you're machine is out of Diet Coke."

Also, if you stand back from the food court, it literally looks like the Superdome after Hurricane Katrina. It's just tables full of people all sitting quietly with garbage strewn about. It's pretty depressing. Thankfully, you're too busy basking in the glow of a $1.50 hot dog to ponder this too much and it usually only becomes apparent after you've gotten up and are walking away. I will say, I'm pretty miffed there isn't unlimited sauerkraut  anymore, you have to ask for it at the counter. This reminds me, I should call my grandparents.

Name: Costco
Genre: A stoner's mini-fridge.
Value: King Kong sized.
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal:  $2 and a soul.
Rating: 3.5 / 5