14. Coors Light

Yes, I know Coors Light is about as classy a beverage as Jersey Shore is poignant. But as I sit here typing this with a cold frosty at arm's reach, watching the mountains slowly lose their frost-blue hue, I take a sip from the "ultrawide mouth" accentuated by the "drinking vent" and think....who am I to judge? The shit gets me drunk.

Here's the thing, I'm pretty sure there's no Coors Light drinkers out there who appreciate it's fine-craftsmanship, refined hops, and punctuated barley accents. People tap the Rockies because you can get drunk really easy and not feel bloated while doing so. Also, with all the aforementioned features that Coors Light offers: Blue Mountains, Wide Mouths, Drinking Vents, etc, the good people at Coors are making it abundantly clear: Drink this, and drink lots of it quickly. Anyone who thinks they're better than binge drinking at social events needs to remind themselves what got them into drinking in the first place.

If I finish a hard day of work, I honestly would NOT want to cap it off with a Coors Light. I'm more of a craft beer drinker, but that doesn't mean that the bottom section of my fridge isn't stocked aplenty with upwards of at least 12 Coors Lights at any given time.

One of the many things you can buy if you drink Coors Light.

Why? Plenty of reasons. 1) What if friends come over? I don't want them running a drinking train on my Chimay's and Boddingtons - they get Coors Light and lots of it. 2) What if you spontaneously get invited to a Dodger game? You certainly can't do that sober, and you don't want to chug beers that are too heavy and full-bodied. You'll end up puking more than just watching the Dodgers in general. 3) It's cheap, so you can spend your money on hair gel...or you know...whatever.

Plus, let's be real here. You drink it and it's gone. Hopefully between those two points it will get you drunk and you can make inappropriate phone calls or something. My friend Brian says he's too good for Coors Light but I think you look more like a buster if you turn down a Coors Light then you do by actually drinking one. It's free beer and drinking beer is fun. So is hair gel.

PS: Rod Beck drinks Coors Light. 'Nuff said.


Name: Coors Light
Genre: Party Beer
Value: Great, and you can recycle the cans for even more added value.
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: 

Rating: 4.5 / 5

13. VitaFusion MultiVites

Gummi Vitamins are one of those good ideas that I think all of us had at some point in our lives but were all too pussy to do anything with. Now it holds lofty company with the mini-lighter, cordless vacuum, and Lakers car flags as I wish I invented that stupid thing things. I'm pretty sure VitaFusion did not invent nor hold any patents in regards to the gummi vitamin specifically. But one thing it brought to the gummi vitamin market was something that was clearly lacking in other brands: class.

Vitafusion clearly knows its demographic, and it constantly reminds the consumer "Hey, I know I'm a delicious peach flavored gummi, but I'm also nutritious and best effective when taken in doses of two a day. I'm proudly made in America and would love to give you the same amount of Vitamin A as a cup of broccoli and the same amount of Vitamin D as 3 oz. of salmon. But that's not to ever imply, good sir, that you wouldn't already be enjoying salmon and broccoli as part of your normal diet, because your clearly an upscale individual to begin with, as exampled by the purchase of me - a VitaFusion Multivite."

Whereas, do you feel this brand delivers the same message?

Clearly not. First off....are these even vitamins? It looks like One-a-Day started marketing Exstacy. My first instinct is "Open this bottle immediately and eat as many of whatever is inside as possible, and kill anyone who threatens this initiative." The only person possibly more excited than me is Fred Flinstone himself. Also, after you're super hyped up from all the awesome colors and fonts, the bottle coyly mentions at the bottom "Oh yeah, only eat one of these a day." Yeah right, Fred. By the time any self-respecting person get's to that part of the label he's already eaten half a bottle and vomited three times.

Then there's these ones. Slightly more presentable, but still nothing you want to be caught with. I don't know what it is with the people at One-a-Day and "blast" designs, but I'm not intimidated. Look, let's be honest here, people who usually take vitamins aren't doing it because they're accentuating an already robust workout regiment. They're doing it because it's the easiest way to not have to workout and still feel that you're being somewhat healthy. Gummi vitamin consumers are even worse because they can't even be bothered with filling up a cup of water in which to take normal vitamins. Also, there's something just rude about having the largest word on the bottle be "One-a-Day" and then suggesting "For best results, take two gummis."

Fresh from the lab, there's these things, which literally look like they've been sliced from someone's body parts. It's too adult, really. If you're going to have a picture on your bottle, perhaps maybe a succulent summer strawberry? Maybe a proactive young go-getter about to head out on another adventurous jog? No, instead let's put a red blood cell looking thing on there, fresh from it's latest biopsy. Also, dude, if there's only one flavor, there's really nothing to look forward to, and isn't that the point of gummi vitamins, to actually enjoy them? I don't feel healthy taking these, nor do I feel they are accentuating my already activ e lifestyle. I feel like Tom Hanks in Philidelphia  and these would be delivered to me in a paper cup.These gummi vitamiuns are also good if you want to enter the matrix.

On a side note, I find it really odd that we can put back a whole bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups with minimal regret, but staunchly respect the serving size of gummi vitamins.

Name: Vitafusion MultiVites

Genere: Gummi Vitamin

Value:  I honestly don't feel healthier when I take these, but I feel qualified to look down on others for not taking them.

What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: The nearly impossible ability to suck on the vitamin without chewing it as to enjoy it for as long as possible.
Rating: 4 / 5

12. Costco Food Court

Costco has lower to middle-class America figured out. Rich families have one, maybe two children throughout the course of their lifetime. Poorer families have one to two hundred children throughout the course of twelve months. There are many societal/religious/educational/etc reasons for this which one can argue, but the point I'm getting at here is if you're going to feed 17,000 kids, your best best is to shop at Costco. I get it.

Then there's me on the other hand. Shopping for one. Costco used to be a place where business owners of all types came to mingle and spend their Sundays, not unlike a golf course. But ever since Costco introduced the "Gold Star" Membership program, the shit (not any type of shit, I mean an army of Gorillas fed crateloads of Burritos and Mountain Dew then all using the bathroom in unison) really hit the fan (not any type of fan, probably the type that skydivers float above when theyre practicing their skydiving).

A Costco membership card for non-business owners.

A Gold Star is something you give a child to make them feel special in school when they're clearly not. That's not unlike the Gold Star membership at Costco. These people don't own a business, clearly have mucked up their lives by having seventeen too many children, and now want a piece of the Costco pie. Now Costco is line after miserable line of parents with their fat, fat children merrily dancing around a wheeled palette of bagel bites and gummi bears, too excited to wait until theyre home to start wolfing. All this I can understand, kind of, what I don't get is after buying all this food, you immediately go straight to the Costco food court to buy MORE food.

When it comes to the quality and price of the food here, there's really no argument that it's great. The Hebrew National Kosher hot dogs and Polish Sausages have even gotten the seal-of-approval from the most Jewish, crabby, loudest person on the planet - My Grandfather. A $1.50 for a dog and a drink...no question that it's an absolute steal. The pizza is also great, by the pie or the slice. I've never had their Chicken Bake or newly introduced Steak Bake but I'm sure they're great, too. And the frozen yogurt is an absolute treat.

I'll also say this, the only reason I found myself in line at a Costco Food court is I was stoned and driving by and got fond memories of my Grandfather announcing he was taking all the grandkids to get the "Greatest Hot Dogs in the World!!" I decided to act on my nostalgia and pulled into the insanely crowded parking lot. I guess the only real complaint is how big the lines at the Food Court get. It's a massive, massive queue of people who really shouldn't be eating pizza to begin with (because they're fat). And each person in line is actually a representative of their entire fat family waiting in the wings to all get food. So each person is ordering "Uhhhh....7 hot dogs, 3 slices of cheese pizza, 4 slices of pepperoni *yells to big group of people sitting at two tables* Hey you want chocolate or swirl?!? And 5 swirl sundaes please. Hmmm....better make it 6. Also, you're machine is out of Diet Coke."

Also, if you stand back from the food court, it literally looks like the Superdome after Hurricane Katrina. It's just tables full of people all sitting quietly with garbage strewn about. It's pretty depressing. Thankfully, you're too busy basking in the glow of a $1.50 hot dog to ponder this too much and it usually only becomes apparent after you've gotten up and are walking away. I will say, I'm pretty miffed there isn't unlimited sauerkraut  anymore, you have to ask for it at the counter. This reminds me, I should call my grandparents.

Name: Costco
Genre: A stoner's mini-fridge.
Value: King Kong sized.
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal:  $2 and a soul.
Rating: 3.5 / 5

11. Sushi Nobu

If you're a fan of Time-Share condominiums, NASCAR commemorative plates, and real estate opportunities on Second Life, then I've got the sushi place for you.

My friend Mark suggested this place, and he tends to err to the side of unnecessary extravagance. Tonight was no exception. Firstly, I'll explain by saying Nobu is regarded as a higher-end restaurant which attracts, in most cases, the severely retarded. Everyone seems to have undue tolerance for ineptitude at nicer restaurants because they have some asinine idea that the customer is always wrong or inferior and should just keep their lucky mouths shut and should be happy they even get to eat at a place this nice. There's always a good 17 seconds of excitement when I go to nicer restaurants because I think I'm going to get unparalleled service, amazingly decadent food, and an experience worth writing home about. Yeah, I always enjoy those 17 seconds.

Eighteen seconds after walking into this place I'm reminded why I hate high end places. We enter EXACTLY at 9:30pm, right when our reservations are. One should assume, as a fine-dining establishment, Nobu would respect their customers need for punctuality. The hostess looks at us bleakly and smiles, "We're just cleaning your table right now, why don't you go sit at the bar and we'll call you when ready."

Because hostess, I don't want to sit at a bar. I called you and TOLD YOU when I would be ready, and that was 9:30. You said Okay. We had a verbally binding contract and instead you're going to break it and then assume I want to spend even more money at your empty, boring bar while you "clean my table." FYI, we waited a good 20 minutes, so unless they were busy whittling us a brand new table and chopsticks, they lied that it was being cleaned. I would have much preferred a "Sorry sir, there's a bunch of ravenous midwestern fatties at your table and we figured they would have been done by now." At least it's the truth.

We were finally seated  and the waiter took his sweet ass time finally getting to us to give us menus. I certainly appreciate a waiter who has memorized a list of specials which include things like " A black pepper crusted Colorado lamb with truffle terriyaki, braised and served with your choice of an anticucho sauce, balsamic teriyaki, or wasabi pepper sauce." Thats not easy to remember. But every single dish that came out was described in full, everytime. "Here is your lamb" would have sufficed when the food arrived. I can clearly see its a lamb. but instead the server insisted on saying "Here is your black pepper crusted Colorado lamb with truffle teriyaki." It didn't erk me at first but we ordered a LOT of food.

Nobu should also serve this, it's about the same value.

My next big issue was with the price. I'm not poor or cheap, but sometimes you have to call bullshit. Mark got some Toro tuna sashimi and literally, I kid you not, two small butter sized patties came out. Price? $27. For that. "But it literally melts in your mouth!!" Mark insisted. Sure Mark, so do M & M's. 

And worse still... this is a sushi place and the rolls SUCK. They aren't creative or even very tasty. The most dynamic rolls you can get are an Eel/Avocado roll or a Spicy Tuna roll. And get this... every....single...roll....fell apart! I'm no sushi master, but I'm pretty sure one indicator of quality sushi is that it stays rolled. My dick could have rolled a more put-together meal. 

I wouldn't even suggest coming here on a date, the music is too loud to carry on a real conversation, and odds are you'll find the bulk of your conversation centered around whats wrong with your meal. anyway. Total cost of the meal - $260 excluding the tip. Probably the worst money I've spent in a while. Also, they give you disposable chopsticks. I wish I gave them disposable money.

Name: Nobu

Genre:  Japanese

Value: Enron stock certificates.

What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: A car door to slam your penis repeatedly in. Because, hey, at least this place isn't as bad as when I got my penis slammed repeatedly in that car door.

Rating: 0 / 5

10. Big Dean's Cafe

Sweet summertime. It's an amazing time of year where the beaches and full, the beer's are coozied, and you become painfully aware how fat you've become over the winter months.

I love Los Angeles summers, they remind me why I live in this godforsaken dump of a town. And like most people who live in LA, what better time than the middle of a Wednesday to grab some bikes, roll down to the beach with your friend Brian (we all have one), soak up some sun and grab some burgers and beers.

After getting our incredibly heterosexual all-male tan on, Brian and I went to Big Dean's Cafe, just at the base of the Santa Monica pier. Naturally one would figure that anything at the Santa Monica pier would cater purely to tourists, and charge exorbitant prices for mediocre food.  I was happy to say I was mistaken!

Because we were on bikes, parking was more than ample. Big Dean's has a front and back patio with picnic style seating which lends itself to shared, social drinking. The front area is great for people watching and apparently is great for the Thursday evening live music events at the pier, says Brian.

The skinny of it all is that Big Dean's should be a place that niches itself into mediocrity. Thankfully, it's stayed true to it's beach-bum style and won't look down on you for ordering "The biggest plastic cup of Bud Light you have available." The beers are cold, cheap, and a perfect compliment to finishing up a super heterosexual all-male tan sesh.

The pride and joy of the Big Dean's menu are the burgers. The menu itself is simple and you'll find that burgers are your best bet. The long and short of it is that the burgers are just damn good, plain and simple. There's lots of meat, price is right, and the meat-to-bun ratio is perfect. According to Brian, "If you want to write about this place in that gay ass blog of yours, make sure to mention that the fries are no good, stick with the burgers." So also make note - the fries are no good.

The waiters at Big Dean's taking a well-deserved break.

Another great part of Big Dean's is the waiters. There's plenty of uber-sexy bikini babes walking the strand, so you don't need a D-cupped first-time waitress in a bikini mucking up your order because her boobies (not experience) got her a job at a beachfront bar. Every single waiter here looks like a mix between between  Sammy Hagar, Spiccoli and Patrick Swayze in Point Break. And because I shamefully probably also fall into that stonery, brosef, white dude demographic, they knew exactly how to serve me - not pushy, made genuinely funny jokes, and knew exactly when I did or didn't need a beer refill.

If you're into lazy beach days complimented with just the right food and drink, the Big Dean's really is a gem. You wouldn't expect a place like this nestled in with company like Fuddruckers and the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. But thankfully, it is. Just don't order the fries, says Brian.

Name: Big Dean's Cafe
Genre: Burgers and Beer
Value: Good and fair.
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: Sunglasses, sandals, and in lieu of a six-pack, a tank top.
Rating: 5 / 5

9. Mr, Lunch

Mr. Lunch is a hole-in-the-wall dive that shares property with...wait for it...a puppy store! Yummy!! It claims to have "The Best Tortas in Town" and certainly have a large enough menu that everyone should find something to please their palette. The problem with this place is that, not unlike Justin Beiber, it piles so much shit onto itself that it doesn't really have a real identity anymore.

Let's start with the menu options. Outside of the Tortas, Mr. Lunch offers: Burritos, tacos, menudo, salads, breakfast sandwiches, juices, smoothies, milkshakes, hand scooped ice cream, coffee, bakery breads, sodas, random mexican groceries, french fries, a salsa bar, horchata, etc...

Then let's closely examine a random torta's ingredients: Bread, mayonnaise, avocado, refried beans, onions, chipotle dressing, pork leg, ham, beef steak, sausage, Manchego cheese, and Oaxaca cheese.

You see what I'm getting at here? There's too much stuff with too little real estate. Everything from the Kitchen Equipment down to the food is a veritable garage sale of crap.

Under normal circumstances one might think, "Well, I never have to eat anywhere else, this place has EVERYTHING!" and could on some levels be right. But so does the dump. Mr. Lunch offers poor quality everything and lots of it.

This pretty much sums up Mr. Lunch.

If you're going to eat here you'd be a fool not to try a torta, just be ready to make your second stop be the hospital for triple coronary bypass surgery. Your average torta here comes with the ingredients listed above and then possibly more. Maybe instead of three types of pork you could be adventurous and try two types of pork and friend chicken? Don't forget the double helping of mayo they slather on. Also, anything that says 'sausage' on the menu is actually a hot dog, which I find just insulting. Also, every torta comes with a side of fries, in case you were worried that your 3 cheeses, 4 meats, and mayonnaise sandwich wouldn't be greasy enough.

Worse still...why the hell do you serve fries but offer a free salsa bar? They don't serve chips here, at all!! I'f you've ever thought of trying salsa verde on top of french fries, don't. It's disgusting. But that's Mr. Lunch in a nutshell, a lot of crap inside of one building and none of it fits together.

The service is also ridiculously slow. I guess after months of eating pure friend cuisine has made everyone sluggish.

PS: While there I DID learn that 'tuna' ice cream is actually a sweet cactus derivative, and not fish. I vomited pure cholesterol in amazement and passed out on the floor in a pile of my own diarrhea. (This is what I feel like right now, thanks to Mr. Lunch.)


Name: Mr. Lunch
Genre: Mexican/Everything Under the Sun 
Value: Small prices get you terrible quality.
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal:  No self-respect
Rating: 1.5/5

8. Chen's Chinese Restaurant

Jack Burton: [looking at kung pao chicken from Chen's] Two, three feet thick, I'll bet. Probably welded shut from the outside, and covered with brick by now!
Wang Chi: Don't give up, Jack!
Jack Burton: Oh, okay, I won't, Wang! Let's just *chew* our way outta here!

Located somewhere down in Long Beach, this is a small little Chinese food place known mostly to just the local riff-raff.

The decor is nothing to write home about, though ironically here I am, writing to everyone about it. Just standard tables and booths all being pandered to by nondescript waiters in white. If you've seen Big Trouble in Little China, think Lo Pan's mansion, but without the sculptures, magic, thrones, whores, Kurt Russell, monsters, true love, and dagger-throwing. So basically, it's a just a carpeted room with tables.  But you know, like, Chinese.

Where Chen's DOES become quite Lo Pan-esque is when the food arrives. The basic premise of Big Trouble in Little China is that an ancient sorcerer named Lo-Pan needs to find and marry a rare Chinese girl with even rarer green eyes in order to regain his phsysical form. Well, finishing even one entree at Chen's carries about the same odds as finding a magical Chinese Girl with Green eyes. Each entree is about a fishing bucket's worth of food. We ordered Kung-Pao chicken and there had to be at least 2-3 chicken's worth of meat on the plate.

Chefs at  Chen's, getting ready to make one dish.

The quality of the food was good. And at a price point of around $10.95 for basic entrees and about 13.95 for seafood, the prices weren't bad. The food was flavorful and I especially suggest the Hunan spicy beef. When I first tried it, it reminded me of Jack Burton. You see, Jack Burton is a tough-talking, wisecracking truck driver whose hum-drum life on the road takes a sudden supernatural tailspin when his best friend's fiancee is kidnapped. Speeding to the rescue, Jack finds himself deep beneath San Francisco's Chinatown, in a murky, creature-filled world ruled by Lo Pan, a 2000-year-old magician who mercilessly presides over an empire of spirits. Dodging demons and facing baffling terrors, Jack battles his way through Lo Pan's dark domain in a full-throttle, action-riddled ride to rescue the girl. The Hunan spicy beef, too, took a full-throttle action-riddled ride, but into my digestive tract.

Also it's important to note something I have never seen in a Chinese restaurant before. Rice is FREE. You heard right, folks. I don't know what stroke of Genius Chen was imbued with when he came up with this idea. But it struck him like lightning, probably from one of the Chinese Storm Warriors featured in John Carpenter's film Big Trouble in Little China. It's always bothered me that rice isn't free at Chinese food places. Well done, Chen.

So if for some reason you're stuck out in Long Beach, and want a hassle free dinner with plenty of leftovers, this place takes the cake. I also suggest renting a copy of Captain Ron, it's Kurt Russell's best movie.

Name: Chen's Chinese Restaurant

Genre: Chinese

Value: Amazing!

What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: Weed, two stomachs.

Rating: 4.5 / 5