Monday, February 13, 2012


Yelp, America's one-stop shop where anyone who's anyone comes to be the world's greatest food critic. Waiter looked at you cock-eyed? Yelp that shit, girl. Ordered no cheese and the fuckin' motherfucker straight CAME WITH CHEESE? Oh no, Yelp that shit too girl, fo' sho'.

Yelp was once a glorious website which gave you a general idea of if a place was a must-try or a total skip-out. I admittingly have written over 10 reviews of places and have nearly 6 friends on Yelp. I was in balls-deep. But lately Yelp, not unlike MySpace, has gone the way of "It's so popular it's now uncool to think it's cool."

People on Yelp nowadays loooooooove to think they know more about food then they actually do. News flash, just because you eat a lot of food, doesn't mean you know about the complexities of the human palette or even what umami means. If you got served food made out of day old dog carcass, then yes please, Yelp it and let me know. Do you think the flavors weren't rounded enough to create a sufficient yet luxurious medley of pan-Asian fusion cuisine and are thus giving the place 3 stars? Well, fuck you. You've successfully ruined Yelp.

"My Yelp reviews pertain to your interests."
The inherent problem is that there's no filters on Yelp to extrapolate out reviews which are pertinent to you, the user. A 19 year old asian girl complaining about the lack of a dancefloor or them not carrying slim margaritas is not a review I care to read when I'm trying to find a place to enjoy a cold beer. If Yelp could somehow get better at this then it might be able to return to the glory days of yore. But as it stands entire businesses which might have been serving whole communities for decades suddenly get caste as dives because some idiot thought the place sucked because they "didn't get bottomless soda."

Reality check, people: A restaurant doesn't get negative stars because they don't carry something you like. If your service stunk, your food was cold, and you were overcharged, then sure, write a bad review. Otherwise, understand the unwavering fact that a)you're not going to like everything and b) no one values your opinion.

Yelp still has it's value as a hub for people to bitch about places they hate. Which to most, is some good reading. People sometimes write some really funny things on Yelp which I love. I'm also a fan of the anecdotal reviews where the author takes you on a journey through the meal. But outside of a recreational amateur fiction forum, I stopped paying much heed to the star-rating on Yelp thanks to arrogant blowhards who think they can trash-talk a meal that someone has dedicated their lives to perfecting.

You ever notice how Guy Fieri (the bleached hair guy from Diners, Drive-In's and Dives on Food Network) goes into all these restaurants and NEVER has a bad thing to say about the food? He literally loves ALL of it. He would even eat the napkin and compliment the chef on a job well done. That's because he's not an arrogant prick who thinks he's more qualified to judge food then the person who cooked it. He simply accepts the fact that that the chef, through years of trial and error, has created the best possible dish to serve the public. Yelp, on the other hand, does the exact opposite. And that's why all of America loves Guy Fieri and hates your Yelp reviews.

On a small tangent, I tried googling "famous food critic" because I don't know of any. It turns out there aren't any. This includes you, Yelp. 

"BAM! You're an asshole, Yelp reviewer!"