Tuesday, April 10, 2012

33. Movie Theater Concesscions

Life used to be simpler in the United States. A family could comfortably sustain itself on a single income, blue-collar jobs were there for people who wanted them, and the American Dream was more so a right then a disillusion. When we think of a simpler American life, we imagine neighborhood backyard bbq's, wives kissing husbands as they leave for work, and teenagers sharing popcorn and sodas at the local movie theater.

While these concepts are mere nostalgia now, movie theater concessions are one of the few things that have hung around...or have they? During a recent boy's night out (plus Brian's lady, bringing the total female tally up to 2, because Brian is a bitch for bringing a chick to boy's night out) we went to go see "The Raid: Redemption."

The Raid is a balls-out action fiesta hailing from Indonesia. Don't like subtitles? Don't worry, my friend, you'll have to suffer through about 4 minutes of total dialogue in the beginning, then the fists do the rest of the talking. Seriously, this was nonstop ass-kickin' the ENTIRE movie. Premise? None. Deep characters? Nope. Riveting plot devices? Nada. Broken fluorescent bulb jammed through a bad guys neck? You bet!

All you need to know about The Raid is that there's this building right, fifteen motherfucking stories of building. What's in this building you ask? Good question. Evil. Evil is all up in this motherfucking building. As it stands, evil has got this big ol' unkicked ass, just chillin'. But do you think the motherfucking Indonesian SWAT team gives a straight FUCK? HELL NO. Indonesian SWAT is so about to run up into this building and kick every single motherfucking ass in there. Evil karate guy? Decapitated. Evil little kid? Strraight up shot through the neck. Evil drug manufacturers? Shattered spine. The list goes on.

I am getting ahead of myself. So anyway, here we are, with like 20 motherfucking Indonesian SWAT just thirsting to kick some ass. At first they all try and be like "Shhhh, let's silently kick some ass." BUT this motherfucking evil kid decides to cockblock that idea by spotting them and going all haterade and screaming to the other evil dudes that the cops are there. Strike one, Junior. Have a bullet to the neck. Anyway, now the jig is up and about 40 minutes of gunplay ensues. A good amount of people die  in this opening battle, both good and evil. This sets up the basic storyline of the film: You killed my homies, now I'm coming to jam a fluorescent bulb into your neck.

At this point in the film all the guns seem to magically disappear. Like literally every fucking gun just up and vanishes. No worries, because guess what? In this building of pure evil, every crackhead, rapist, murderer and reprobate knows 3rd degree black-belt karate. Also, you might be wondering what these evildoer's 2nd-most ideal weapon of choice is behind the M-16 machine guns they usually use? You guess right! The garden machete.

So here we are now in this building full of evil machete-wielding karate masters and the like, five remaining Indonesian SWAT are in bad shape and only on the like 5th or 6th floor. And though it seems like all hope is lost... guess what? THE COPS KNOW KARATE TOO.

The star of "The Raid: Redemption"
HOLY. FUCKING. HELL. Shit is about to go down.

Before I go further, I should explain that the cops would clearly know karate because there's a 10 second montage in the beginning where the main cop is doing hella situps, pushups, and knocks around a punching bag. There, now we're caught up.

So anyway, the cops also know karate. The evil guys knows karate. What's missing? Correct. One or two REALLY evil guys. I don't want to divulge too much, but suffice to say, the really evil guy kicks all the asses. God, he is probably the most ass-kicking guy I've ever seen in my life. Anyway, at this point in the movie the really evil guy is busy kicking ass and so are the cops, and at some point you just know they're both going to have to meet up for one ass kicking showdown. But for now, the viewer must relax and enjoy some good old fashioned Indonesian SWAT-kicking-regular-evil-guy-ass.

The fighting in this movie is mind blowing, and I would be shocked if one or two stunt guys didn't break their spines while filming. The rest of the movie is a lot of crazy motherfucking fighting where the SWAT guy engages in some form of disarming the bad guy's machete then brutally killing him with it. It's a classic Hollywood plot device called irony. You also don't feel bad for the guy dying because he's evil and there's lots of him.

So then finally the movie ends with the mother of all fight scenes. I would love to tell you every graphic detail, but it's SO absolutely fucking amazing that even attempting to retell it in text will cause both the author and reader to shit themselves in testosterone-laden delight. It's so freaking amazing. Greatest fight scene in the history of film. Period.

My friends and I left the theater high-fiving, laughing, and attempting to reenact some of our favorite moves from the movie. It was one of the most enjoyable movie experiences I have had in a really long time.

Oh yeah, where was I? Right. The food at the theater was expensive so we snuck in candy from outside.

Popcorn is expensive at the movies nowadays

Name: Movie Theater Concessions
Genre:  Movie Theater Concessions
Value: If you like being sodomized by flaming hot jagged rocks, you might consider this a value
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal:  The Raid: Redemption
Rating: 3 / 5

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