Saturday, January 19, 2013

35. The Bagel I Had This Morning

It was pretty good - cream cheese, tomato, onion, lox, black pepper, etc. I give it 5 stars. What I really want to talk about is what I had to suffer through on my television this morning. I have Netflix streaming on my TV, which gives me regrettably poor discretion on movies that I'll watch. I've watched some pretty bad films, from the documentary about Monopoly to Wild Things: Foursome. Today though, I witnessed probably the worst movie that's ever been made - not just by man, but the whole of intelligent life in the universe.

Have you ever been playing on the internet and come across some link you knew was trouble? It has a title like "ManStepsOntoTrainTracks.gif" and tags which read NSFW or NSFL all over them. Then, lo and behold, you click it and it's a recycling clip of a man stepping onto some train tracks and getting hit by a train and his entire body explodes into a pile of guts and gore? You naturally get grossed out, then fumble to find your "back" button to exit, but haplessly miss it? Then all of a sudden the clip plays again. And again. And again. Then suddenly realize you're transfixed on this morbid display of human mortality? You're literally watching every second dissecting the events which could have led up to this horrible tragedy and quite simply you cannot surmise the strength to stop watching this man die? Pure, unadulterated fascination overtakes you as to who would film this, and why would they feel people needed to see it? Well, that's kind of what this movie was like.

The movie is called Monster Brawl and it's quite literally the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen. I could almost smell the shit smell while watching it.

 "But if it was so bad, why did you continue watching it?" You're probably asking. Good question.
It was, as mentioned above, like watching a car wreck. I was SO fascinated that someone would put so much effort into something that is so clearly bad. Centered around a wrestling ring in the middle of a graveyard, historic monsters battle it out WWE style - complete with clotheslines, body-slams, and the since-forgotten smack talk in front of a green screen. Really? REALLY? Yes, believe it.

The "story" if you could call it that, drags on. Each story-arc follows the same basic premise:

1) Introduce the two monster fighters via a short origin story (probably the best part of the film) For example, during the Frankenstein segment, they show a Russian scientist working on old Frankie, bringing him to life, and getting him prepped for his big match.

2) Show some hokey graphic of their vital stats as explained by two ring announcers who have some of the worst written dialogue I've ever heard. I'm just like, What the Fuck? Why is R. Lee Ermey talking to the Texas Oil Tycoon from the Simpsons about how The Cyclops has 10 more victories by way of knockout then does Zombie Man? I kid you not.

The best part of the film.
3) Have each creature slowly lumber into the ring and do their man-dance for the crowd that doesn't exist (never mind the cheering noises). This is commentated by WWE's own Jimmy Hart, who's standing next to two chicks in bikini's each holding a banner for their specific monster. I stand corrected by saying this was the best part of the film because you can see underboob on the model on the right. Each monster does this and it takes like 15 minutes. Plus it was on Netflix so it was pretty hard to pause the film and see prolonged underboob.
4) More badly-written announcer dialogue.

5) The worst choreographed "fight" in a "ring" that looks like it's been purchased 2 hours before shooting from a boxing gym. I'm no production designer, but wouldn't a ring that looks somewhat archaic be a little better than a black and red UFC training ring? Also, every time a monster would land a punishing hit, the voice from Mortal Kombat would boom out, exclaiming things like "EXCELLENT."  and "BRUTAL HIT." Oh, did I mention that these monsters are fighting for the coveted Monster Brawl Championship Belt?

6) 10 minutes of pointless follow-up usually involving the redneck announcers.

Sound boring? Well don't worry, you get to watch that exact same thing like 5 times. Then the movie abruptly ends and you've lost two hours of your life minus the 3 seconds you saw some underboob.If there were a contest for who could snort the most cocaine and come up with the worst movie idea, I still don't think the winner could top Monster Brawl.

The bagel, as mentioned, was good.

Name: The Bagel I ate while watching Monster Brawl.
Genre: Jewish food, Z-list film.
Value: An utter waste of time. 
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: A fast forward button.
Rating: 0 / 5

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