Wednesday, November 28, 2012

This F@cking Lady...

I thought I would share with you a recent review of my local self-serve frozen yogurt place. It's called Twist! and for the past 2 years it has been serving the community by employing 16 year-old kids from all walks of life. Let me begin by saying there's nothing special about Twist!. This is just like any other frozen yogurt place out there; you grab a cup, fill it, top it, pay for it, and eat it.

Anyway, I was in the mood for some late night frozen yogurt and looked on Yelp to see if it was still open. I was a bit taken back to see that a couple people had given this place 1-star reviews. The place practically runs itself, the only reason the poor kids are even working there is to make sure nothing catches on fire. Why did someone give this only 1 star? I read the following from "Stephanie P. from Los Angeles":

I eat fro-yo EVERYDAY. There's not a day I don't get fro-yo...and usually it's the carbolite brand. Last time I went to Twist was 3 years ago, before they moved. I got a coupon in the mail saying the new Twist carried carbolite fro-yo so I thought I'd swing by to check it out. Before I went, I called ahead to ask when they changed flavors. The lady who answered said "It's hard to say, I don't know...(some weird excuse)'s hard to say." What exactly is hard to say??? Omg... that's a sign of a great yogurt place, right?

Anyways, I get there and immediately see the two flavors labeled "sugar-free". I ask the guy working there if those were the carbolites. He said "No, we usually carry at least one carbolite...but (long pause followed by him sampling yogurt himself) doesn't look like we have any today." So I asked when they will have it. Of course he has no idea but says, "Get the sugar free, there's like no difference in calories."

Are you kidding me??? The nutritional content of a regular sugar free yogurt and a carbolite are like night and day! This guy is seriously looking like an idiot now. There is nothing I despise more than when an establishment feeds its customers false information.

But since I drove all this way, I thought it would be a shame to walk out empty handed. So, I sample the belgium chocolate fro-yo (my favorite flavor). It was the MOST DISGUSTING fro-yo I've ever put into my mouth! It tasted like yogurt gone bad. How do you f*** up frozen yogurt??? I don't know how they managed to make chocolate taste like fishy metallic cocoa tap water, but they did! I walked out with a cringe on my face. Never ever ever ever coming back!

Ok seriously? What a fucking bitch. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT $3 FROZEN YOGURT. This pretentious cow has to be the most audaciously entitled idiot I've ever heard in my life, and that's coming from me which really says something. Class, grab your scalpels and let's dissect:

Firstly, let's look at here profile picture:

Immediately, three things jump out at me. The first is that this guy want's nothing to do with her. This sycophant looks like she begged this guy to take a picture with her - who as quickly as possible leaned down, let the shutter pop and got the fuck out of Dodge. She's basically doing a terrible job of making it look like she hangs out with moderately attractive people instead of her cat she so hilariously named Justin Tim-purr-lake. Second, she's in a club, which is a hotbed of faux entitlement. Clubs are where the poor pretend to be rich, and the assistants pretend to be the bosses. Simply put, she probably likes to be a bitch on Yelp because no one listens to her opinions in real life. Thirdly, it's a shitty photo, get it together girl.

So on to her review. She begins by stating "I eat fro-yo EVERYDAY. There's not a day I don't get fro-yo..." A little lesson for you girl, that's NOT a good thing. I don't know what planet you think you're from where you rationally think eating frozen yogurt with candy on top everyday is healthy, but it's not Earth. Remember that movie Supersize Me? Where Morgan Spurlock ate the same damn thing for a whole month and nearly died? Well, you're proving your idiocy by doing the same, then expecting that by demanding some variant called "carbolite" is going to save you from coronary heart disease? Please lady, eat some more and die faster, because your logic is killing me.

Also... YOU CALLED AHEAD? That's like calling ahead to a McDonalds and being like " you still have Big Macs?" This place, just like every single other frozen yogurt place, has the same damn shit: Fro-Yo, toppings, and a spoon. You should know this by now, everyday-ice-cream-machine. In my experience in life, there's two types of people; ones that want to be healthy and thus go jogging, and the ones who want to be healthy by doing every stupid thing besides exercising, ie eating "carbolite" frozen yogurt and thinking it's making them skinny.

Then, in another display if your idiocy, after calling ahead and asking for your prescription flavor and the clerk (who makes about $5.85.hour) saying, "I don't know, I just make $5.85 per hour and am making sure nothing is catching on fire." you still drive down, assuming your carbolite will be there. When someone says "I don't know", it does not mean "Yes." It means there's literally a 50% chance it will be there and a 50% chance it won't. Did you prepare yourself for possible disappointment? No, instead you drove daddy's BMW down there anyway (God forbid you walk, Ms. Carb-Counter) and throw a fit to the poor kid working there like your time has been ever so wasted. You should be GRATEFUL this poor kid even indulged your ridiculous request and attempted a response to it. JACK LALANNE DOES NOT WORK AT TWIST! Quit asking for health advice from a kid who works at a place that sells cheesecake chunks as a topping.

You think this kid even wants to help you?
I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you at least voiced your complaint to the worker. But I've got a sneaking suspicion that you huffed, got back on your bedazzled iPhone and instead just called him an idiot on the internet instead. That's probably the most classless thing you can do - to a kid even.

I would normally feel bad about totally ripping into someone like this, but these types of people make me sick. The only solace I get is knowing that going to Twist!  is probably the most eventful part of her other pointless day. I'm glad I never have to lay my eyes on your fat arms in Twist ever again.

PS: It's Belgian Chocolate, idiot. Not Belgium Chocolate. Quit feeding me false information.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

34. Hallucinogenic Mushrooms

Sorry to my loyal fanbase of eleven for not updating this blog for quite some time. I'd like to think it was because I had a lot of important things going on, but honestly I just forgot. C'est la vie.

So it's been quite a long time since I partook in the spiritual rodeo of ingesting magic mushrooms. I believe college may have been the last adventure. I always remembered enjoying them immensely, even when things took a bad turn and suddenly your friend wants to call his parents while high as a kite and announce that he's dying. This time I'll try to evaluate my dining experience as I would any other restaurant.

Location: Magic Mushrooms are best taken outdoors as objects such as walls and ceilings have an annoying habit of becoming absolutely terrifying when you're under the influence. My trip took place in Joshua Tree National Park, an idyllic desert just outside Los Angeles county. Joshua Tree is beautiful even when not trippin' crazy balls, so trippin' crazy balls would only serve to accentuate such beauty. Parking was ample though reservations are suggested if you want a campground. My friend Chris and I chose to ride the magic carpet out in the backcountry, where your chosen campground is literally anywhere you damn well please. Chris's friend Isiah joined us for the trip but not for "the trip."

The Menu: When taking mushrooms it's important to bring items essential to survival, but even then odds are you'll feel so connected with Mother Nature that you'll idiotically throw you're pack (and possibly pants) over a cliffside thinking you'll never need such man-made garbage. In the pack you'll be throwing over a cliff, you should have a bottle of water, a compass, a flashlight, and maybe some bread. Instead of all that stuff we just had Isiah to make sure we didn't try and fornicate with a cactus and make sure we walked back towards the car at some point. Long story short, the menu consisted of mushrooms.

The Food: Mushrooms are grown in cow shit, and mushrooms often don't look far different than their poopy-parents. They look like how I imagine a REALLY old guy's penis must look like. To say these things look edible is like saying Julia Childs looks fuckable. I mean sure you could do it, if you REALLY had to, but...ugh. That metaphor is literally the best description of what eating mushrooms is's like fucking Julia Childs. This is where having bread makes all the difference in the world. By making a mushroom sandwich consisting of one mushroom and 12 pounds of bread you might make the taste just a bit less vomit-inducing, but not much.

While tripping in Joshua Tree, this is the most awesome thing you'll ever see....

The Ambiance: When these little poison mushrooms finally kick in, get ready for fun. It begins with a loose feeling throughout your arms and legs and slowly evolves into you trying your best to not babble something incredibly insane. Being in nature helps because odds are the only people around you are also trippin' and trying not to say something equally as insane. This usually results in massive giggle fits not dignified for most men. This is pretty much what happened to me. At some point you have profound levels of appreciation for nature, while other points you can't stop crying from laughter because someone said the word "butt." The next 6 hours or so are spent exploring, laughing, staring (lots of staring), falling, laughing, bleeding, walking, driving, snacking, laughing, and questioning the universe until at some point you shake your head and realize, "hey, I'm not high anymore."

...or this might be more awesome.
Overall Critique: For a relative cost of around $10-$20/person, you get a full day's worth of entertainment and you'll eat little to no food. As long as you don't have one of those unstable friends who actually thinks the world is melting, you'll have a great time. Would I do it again? Maybe, once I find my pants.
Name: Magic Mushrooms
Genre: Produce
Value: Excellent. $10-$20 buy's you a full day of retardation.
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: A cheese slicer in which to scrape off all your taste buds.
Rating: 5 Pink Elephants.