Wednesday, November 21, 2012

34. Hallucinogenic Mushrooms

Sorry to my loyal fanbase of eleven for not updating this blog for quite some time. I'd like to think it was because I had a lot of important things going on, but honestly I just forgot. C'est la vie.

So it's been quite a long time since I partook in the spiritual rodeo of ingesting magic mushrooms. I believe college may have been the last adventure. I always remembered enjoying them immensely, even when things took a bad turn and suddenly your friend wants to call his parents while high as a kite and announce that he's dying. This time I'll try to evaluate my dining experience as I would any other restaurant.

Location: Magic Mushrooms are best taken outdoors as objects such as walls and ceilings have an annoying habit of becoming absolutely terrifying when you're under the influence. My trip took place in Joshua Tree National Park, an idyllic desert just outside Los Angeles county. Joshua Tree is beautiful even when not trippin' crazy balls, so trippin' crazy balls would only serve to accentuate such beauty. Parking was ample though reservations are suggested if you want a campground. My friend Chris and I chose to ride the magic carpet out in the backcountry, where your chosen campground is literally anywhere you damn well please. Chris's friend Isiah joined us for the trip but not for "the trip."

The Menu: When taking mushrooms it's important to bring items essential to survival, but even then odds are you'll feel so connected with Mother Nature that you'll idiotically throw you're pack (and possibly pants) over a cliffside thinking you'll never need such man-made garbage. In the pack you'll be throwing over a cliff, you should have a bottle of water, a compass, a flashlight, and maybe some bread. Instead of all that stuff we just had Isiah to make sure we didn't try and fornicate with a cactus and make sure we walked back towards the car at some point. Long story short, the menu consisted of mushrooms.

The Food: Mushrooms are grown in cow shit, and mushrooms often don't look far different than their poopy-parents. They look like how I imagine a REALLY old guy's penis must look like. To say these things look edible is like saying Julia Childs looks fuckable. I mean sure you could do it, if you REALLY had to, but...ugh. That metaphor is literally the best description of what eating mushrooms is's like fucking Julia Childs. This is where having bread makes all the difference in the world. By making a mushroom sandwich consisting of one mushroom and 12 pounds of bread you might make the taste just a bit less vomit-inducing, but not much.

While tripping in Joshua Tree, this is the most awesome thing you'll ever see....

The Ambiance: When these little poison mushrooms finally kick in, get ready for fun. It begins with a loose feeling throughout your arms and legs and slowly evolves into you trying your best to not babble something incredibly insane. Being in nature helps because odds are the only people around you are also trippin' and trying not to say something equally as insane. This usually results in massive giggle fits not dignified for most men. This is pretty much what happened to me. At some point you have profound levels of appreciation for nature, while other points you can't stop crying from laughter because someone said the word "butt." The next 6 hours or so are spent exploring, laughing, staring (lots of staring), falling, laughing, bleeding, walking, driving, snacking, laughing, and questioning the universe until at some point you shake your head and realize, "hey, I'm not high anymore."

...or this might be more awesome.
Overall Critique: For a relative cost of around $10-$20/person, you get a full day's worth of entertainment and you'll eat little to no food. As long as you don't have one of those unstable friends who actually thinks the world is melting, you'll have a great time. Would I do it again? Maybe, once I find my pants.
Name: Magic Mushrooms
Genre: Produce
Value: Excellent. $10-$20 buy's you a full day of retardation.
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: A cheese slicer in which to scrape off all your taste buds.
Rating: 5 Pink Elephants.

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