Monday, May 2, 2011

11. Sushi Nobu

If you're a fan of Time-Share condominiums, NASCAR commemorative plates, and real estate opportunities on Second Life, then I've got the sushi place for you.

My friend Mark suggested this place, and he tends to err to the side of unnecessary extravagance. Tonight was no exception. Firstly, I'll explain by saying Nobu is regarded as a higher-end restaurant which attracts, in most cases, the severely retarded. Everyone seems to have undue tolerance for ineptitude at nicer restaurants because they have some asinine idea that the customer is always wrong or inferior and should just keep their lucky mouths shut and should be happy they even get to eat at a place this nice. There's always a good 17 seconds of excitement when I go to nicer restaurants because I think I'm going to get unparalleled service, amazingly decadent food, and an experience worth writing home about. Yeah, I always enjoy those 17 seconds.

Eighteen seconds after walking into this place I'm reminded why I hate high end places. We enter EXACTLY at 9:30pm, right when our reservations are. One should assume, as a fine-dining establishment, Nobu would respect their customers need for punctuality. The hostess looks at us bleakly and smiles, "We're just cleaning your table right now, why don't you go sit at the bar and we'll call you when ready."

Because hostess, I don't want to sit at a bar. I called you and TOLD YOU when I would be ready, and that was 9:30. You said Okay. We had a verbally binding contract and instead you're going to break it and then assume I want to spend even more money at your empty, boring bar while you "clean my table." FYI, we waited a good 20 minutes, so unless they were busy whittling us a brand new table and chopsticks, they lied that it was being cleaned. I would have much preferred a "Sorry sir, there's a bunch of ravenous midwestern fatties at your table and we figured they would have been done by now." At least it's the truth.

We were finally seated  and the waiter took his sweet ass time finally getting to us to give us menus. I certainly appreciate a waiter who has memorized a list of specials which include things like " A black pepper crusted Colorado lamb with truffle terriyaki, braised and served with your choice of an anticucho sauce, balsamic teriyaki, or wasabi pepper sauce." Thats not easy to remember. But every single dish that came out was described in full, everytime. "Here is your lamb" would have sufficed when the food arrived. I can clearly see its a lamb. but instead the server insisted on saying "Here is your black pepper crusted Colorado lamb with truffle teriyaki." It didn't erk me at first but we ordered a LOT of food.

Nobu should also serve this, it's about the same value.
My next big issue was with the price. I'm not poor or cheap, but sometimes you have to call bullshit. Mark got some Toro tuna sashimi and literally, I kid you not, two small butter sized patties came out. Price? $27. For that. "But it literally melts in your mouth!!" Mark insisted. Sure Mark, so do M & M's. 
And worse still... this is a sushi place and the rolls SUCK. They aren't creative or even very tasty. The most dynamic rolls you can get are an Eel/Avocado roll or a Spicy Tuna roll. And get this... every....single...roll....fell apart! I'm no sushi master, but I'm pretty sure one indicator of quality sushi is that it stays rolled. My dick could have rolled a more put-together meal. 

I wouldn't even suggest coming here on a date, the music is too loud to carry on a real conversation, and odds are you'll find the bulk of your conversation centered around whats wrong with your meal. anyway. Total cost of the meal - $260 excluding the tip. Probably the worst money I've spent in a while. Also, they give you disposable chopsticks. I wish I gave them disposable money.

Name: Nobu
Genre:  Japanese
Value: Enron stock certificates.
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: A car door to slam your penis repeatedly in. Because, hey, at least this place isn't as bad as when I got my penis slammed repeatedly in that car door.
Rating: 0 / 5

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