Tuesday, May 10, 2011

13. VitaFusion MultiVites

Gummi Vitamins are one of those good ideas that I think all of us had at some point in our lives but were all too pussy to do anything with. Now it holds lofty company with the mini-lighter, cordless vacuum, and Lakers car flags as I wish I invented that stupid thing things. I'm pretty sure VitaFusion did not invent nor hold any patents in regards to the gummi vitamin specifically. But one thing it brought to the gummi vitamin market was something that was clearly lacking in other brands: class.

Vitafusion clearly knows its demographic, and it constantly reminds the consumer "Hey, I know I'm a delicious peach flavored gummi, but I'm also nutritious and best effective when taken in doses of two a day. I'm proudly made in America and would love to give you the same amount of Vitamin A as a cup of broccoli and the same amount of Vitamin D as 3 oz. of salmon. But that's not to ever imply, good sir, that you wouldn't already be enjoying salmon and broccoli as part of your normal diet, because your clearly an upscale individual to begin with, as exampled by the purchase of me - a VitaFusion Multivite."

Whereas, do you feel this brand delivers the same message?

Clearly not. First off....are these even vitamins? It looks like One-a-Day started marketing Exstacy. My first instinct is "Open this bottle immediately and eat as many of whatever is inside as possible, and kill anyone who threatens this initiative." The only person possibly more excited than me is Fred Flinstone himself. Also, after you're super hyped up from all the awesome colors and fonts, the bottle coyly mentions at the bottom "Oh yeah, only eat one of these a day." Yeah right, Fred. By the time any self-respecting person get's to that part of the label he's already eaten half a bottle and vomited three times.

Then there's these ones. Slightly more presentable, but still nothing you want to be caught with. I don't know what it is with the people at One-a-Day and "blast" designs, but I'm not intimidated. Look, let's be honest here, people who usually take vitamins aren't doing it because they're accentuating an already robust workout regiment. They're doing it because it's the easiest way to not have to workout and still feel that you're being somewhat healthy. Gummi vitamin consumers are even worse because they can't even be bothered with filling up a cup of water in which to take normal vitamins. Also, there's something just rude about having the largest word on the bottle be "One-a-Day" and then suggesting "For best results, take two gummis."

Fresh from the lab, there's these things, which literally look like they've been sliced from someone's body parts. It's too adult, really. If you're going to have a picture on your bottle, perhaps maybe a succulent summer strawberry? Maybe a proactive young go-getter about to head out on another adventurous jog? No, instead let's put a red blood cell looking thing on there, fresh from it's latest biopsy. Also, dude, if there's only one flavor, there's really nothing to look forward to, and isn't that the point of gummi vitamins, to actually enjoy them? I don't feel healthy taking these, nor do I feel they are accentuating my already activ e lifestyle. I feel like Tom Hanks in Philidelphia  and these would be delivered to me in a paper cup.These gummi vitamiuns are also good if you want to enter the matrix.

On a side note, I find it really odd that we can put back a whole bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups with minimal regret, but staunchly respect the serving size of gummi vitamins.

Name: Vitafusion MultiVites
Genere: Gummi Vitamin
Value:  I honestly don't feel healthier when I take these, but I feel qualified to look down on others for not taking them.
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: The nearly impossible ability to suck on the vitamin without chewing it as to enjoy it for as long as possible.
Rating: 4 / 5

No comments:

Post a Comment