Thursday, April 14, 2011

4. Fogo de Chao

Holy Fucking Shit!

I first tried Fogo de Chao when my friend Kevin took me here for my birthday. I unwittingly made the mistake of eating lunch 6 hours prior, and I soon learned why I should have fasted about a week prior and purged any excess bile that might be floating around in my stomach instead.

Fogo de Chao is an upscale Brazilian BBQ restaurant that serves unlimited portions of meat followed by a complimentary orders of meat. It's truly heaven. (except for all the dead animals, I suppose.) Like most Brazilian BBQ places in the USA, you simply sit your fat ass down at the table and waiters with large skewers come by offering you various succulent BBQ meats. You then proceed to bust your gut for the next 3 hours, literally forcing food into your body because its so damn delicious.

You are presented with the option of enjoying the complimentary salad bar before you begin your main course. DO NOT FALL FOR IT!! They do this because they save money if you fill up on salad first. But you're smarter than that, aren't you, Stupid? Don't get me wrong, the salad bar is actually quite delightful, and you'll thoroughly enjoy your salad, but you'll be wasting both time and money nibbling on arugula. Trust me, wait for the meat.

Because a meal is quite expensive, you see a lot of dates, businessmen, and WASPy families as patrons. That's kind of a disappointment because I feel they don't appreciate the food the way its supposed to be enjoyed - en masse. But don't feel you need to accommodate yourself to them, rather, keeps it real and get your gorge on. Don't worry about messing yourself, napkins are free and ample.

They also have a full bar, albeit expensive. I would definitely spring for one or two drinks though to compliment the meat. Piece of advice: Do not drink beer. I know that nothing compliments a good steak like a cold, crisp beer, but you're going to fill up far too fast, and like I've mentioned  seventeen million of times in this post, save room for meat.

Also, as a friendly head's up - You'll be lucky if you shit in the next three days.

- Come hungry
- Valet your car (You'll NOT want to walk to it after eating)
- Wear elastic pants
- Keeps it real

- Eat salad
- Have beer
- Be modest about your gluttony

Name: Fogo de Chao
Genre: Brazilian BBQ
Value: Expensive but worth the price (except drinks)
What You'll Need to Enjoy Your Meal: The company of a know-it-all vegetarian
Rating: 4.5 / 5

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